Upcoming Surgery And My Thoughts About It

Friday, December 22, 2017



Today has been a very emotional day. I feel like a little child - helpless, powerless, fearful and vulnerable in a world that's unsafe and uncertain. Today I've  been told that surgery is imminent. I cannot dodge it. It is the only path for me if I am to survive. My bone marrow biopsy came out negative, which is awesome news. And my CT scan result says there is no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body, except in my spleen. Another great news. However, everything is clearly paving its way for surgery, and that is the one thing I am most fearful about.

Today my hematologist finally referred me to an Oncologist and a Surgeon that will co-manage my case.  The three of them are gonna be my team of doctors who will manage and treat my illness.

My oncologist is female, she looks like in her late-fifties and she looks exactly what an expert and competent doctor should look like. The moment I saw her, I felt this air of authority about her, and the moment I heard her speak, I knew she was very good in her field. She was very formal and serious as she explained to me the process of my disease and how it's gonna be managed, but strangely enough I felt comforted by it, because it was a sign to me that she knew exactly what she was talking about. She told me that surgery is the major step in treating my illness. Sarcomas do not respond very well to chemotherapy and radiation, and removing the mass in my spleen would be the best intervention. Afterwards, adjuvant chemotherapy can be administered as supportive intervention to surgery.

While she was explaining this, I just nodded quietly to everything she was saying. I was struggling deep inside of me. I was hoping I could dodge surgery in favor of other options. Losing my spleen would mean I would be at higher risk for developing infections. How would I be able to work as a nurse now? If working in a hospital poses a threat by exposing me to different diseases, I can never be a nurse again. These were the thoughts running through my head, but I kept them to myself.

After my meeting with the oncologist, I  went to meet my surgeon next. The surgeon is male, and for some reason I expected a young surgeon, but he was a lot older, probably in his late fifties or early sixties. I was suddenly filled with anxiety, immediately doubting his capabilities. But when he started talking, I felt my fear gradually subside. I could tell he was brilliant, he answered all my questions direct to the point, no sugar-coating, no false assurances. He said that a lot of the decisions will be made in the operating room, when he opens me up and sees how severe the cancer really is. He told me he will do his very best to remove the spleen , but if it's impossible to remove, like for instance, if it has latched on to nearby organs, or if there is any chance that I might bleed to death, he will not remove it. He will not risk it. He was very honest, and that's when I knew I could trust him.

After the meetings, I walked out of the hospital in a daze. I was very upset but I was able to maintain composure at the same time. I didn't want to cry anymore, crying is physically draining for me. It triggers my migraine and severely depletes my energy. I'd be exhausted and practically bedridden after a crying meltdown.

To make things worse, all sea trips have been canceled by the coastguard because a storm has just made its landfall. Meaning, I couldn't go home. And I'm so anxious to get back home. Right now I am in a hotel room, writing this blog post. It's very cold and its raining constantly. Christmas Day is three days away, and I should be home right now, safe and warm with my family near me. I can't believe I'm stuck here. I just wanna go home.

Surgery. Why do I fear it? Aside from living without a spleen and being unable to go back to my nursing job, I am afraid of being put to sleep... for the last time. I'm scared of not waking up from the surgery. I'm scared of bleeding to death. I'm scared of never seeing my family again. I'm scared of dying. I am not ready.  :( 

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