Got My Biopsy Report . . . I'm In Shock
Tuesday, December 05, 2017
I've just been to the doctors today. I am still in shock.
Today, they revealed to me the result of my Biopsy. It wasn't Lymphoma, and it wasn't Leukemia. It's something worse. They told me I have High Grade Splenic Sarcoma. Stage 3 (tentative staging). Its a super rare form of cancer, with only a few documented cases around the world.
I am shocked. Even though I prepared myself for the worst, I am still shocked. Nothing can ever prepare you for something like this. Being told you have cancer is the worst feeling in the world.
I didn't cry in front of the doctors, which is a relief. I didn't want to break down in front of them and see their sympathetic faces. Don't know how I managed to hold myself together, but I was able to. I was able to maintain composure and talk without my voice breaking. I asked them what was gonna happen now. My hematologist said I need to undergo a CT scan, to see where else in my body is affected by cancer. This will also confirm at what stage I am in. If they find the cancer in another spot in my body, it will mean I am Stage IV. She also wants me to undergo a Bone Marrow Biopsy, to completely rule out leukemia and lymphoma. So she scheduled me for a CT scan next week on December 12, and a Bone Marrow Aspiration Biopsy the day after.
After the appointment, I was finally able to cry once I was back in the car. All I could think of was my family and how they'll react to the news. They'd be devastated. In that instant, I decided I was gonna cry it all out, and get it out of my system before I face my family and tell them the truth. I want to be able to tell them, dry-eyed, and as calm as I possibly can.
So you can imagine how hard that trip back home was. I was crying on and off, I felt sick, I felt like throwing up. And although the weather was warm, I felt really cold and was shivering all over. Memories of my life literally flashed before my eyes. I was falling apart, but held on and whispered a silent prayer, asking God to help me get through this horrible trip.
Strangely enough, I was finally calm and collected when I got home. I broke off the news to everyone, smiling and joking about my illness, laughing about it and trying to not make a big deal and drama about it. And somehow, I think it helped my family listen and accept the situation without completely breaking down in tears. Devastated and teary-eyed, yes, but none of them lost control. If one of them had cried, I know I would have lost my composure and fell apart right then and there. So thankfully, none of that happened. I want to be able to approach the situation in a calm manner, and maintain levelheadedness if I am to face this difficult journey ahead.
However, my calmness was short-lived. Tonight I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I am scared, and I am not gonna deny it. Scared that I'm not brave enough to go through whatever is in store for me. Scared of the pain... most of all, scared of dying. I do not want to die. I believe in God, and yet tonight, all kinds of doubtful and depressing thoughts have been creeping into my brain. What if it's all a lie? What if there is no God? What if there is no life after death?... or worse, what if there really is heaven and hell, and I end up spending eternity in hell? What happens when I'm gone? What have I done in this life that I can be truly proud of? Truth is, there is none. I have wasted much of my life and now, it seems I don't have a lot of time left to do something good and meaningful.
Please God... help me... tell me what to do.
I didn't cry in front of the doctors, which is a relief. I didn't want to break down in front of them and see their sympathetic faces. Don't know how I managed to hold myself together, but I was able to. I was able to maintain composure and talk without my voice breaking. I asked them what was gonna happen now. My hematologist said I need to undergo a CT scan, to see where else in my body is affected by cancer. This will also confirm at what stage I am in. If they find the cancer in another spot in my body, it will mean I am Stage IV. She also wants me to undergo a Bone Marrow Biopsy, to completely rule out leukemia and lymphoma. So she scheduled me for a CT scan next week on December 12, and a Bone Marrow Aspiration Biopsy the day after.
After the appointment, I was finally able to cry once I was back in the car. All I could think of was my family and how they'll react to the news. They'd be devastated. In that instant, I decided I was gonna cry it all out, and get it out of my system before I face my family and tell them the truth. I want to be able to tell them, dry-eyed, and as calm as I possibly can.
So you can imagine how hard that trip back home was. I was crying on and off, I felt sick, I felt like throwing up. And although the weather was warm, I felt really cold and was shivering all over. Memories of my life literally flashed before my eyes. I was falling apart, but held on and whispered a silent prayer, asking God to help me get through this horrible trip.
Strangely enough, I was finally calm and collected when I got home. I broke off the news to everyone, smiling and joking about my illness, laughing about it and trying to not make a big deal and drama about it. And somehow, I think it helped my family listen and accept the situation without completely breaking down in tears. Devastated and teary-eyed, yes, but none of them lost control. If one of them had cried, I know I would have lost my composure and fell apart right then and there. So thankfully, none of that happened. I want to be able to approach the situation in a calm manner, and maintain levelheadedness if I am to face this difficult journey ahead.
However, my calmness was short-lived. Tonight I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I am scared, and I am not gonna deny it. Scared that I'm not brave enough to go through whatever is in store for me. Scared of the pain... most of all, scared of dying. I do not want to die. I believe in God, and yet tonight, all kinds of doubtful and depressing thoughts have been creeping into my brain. What if it's all a lie? What if there is no God? What if there is no life after death?... or worse, what if there really is heaven and hell, and I end up spending eternity in hell? What happens when I'm gone? What have I done in this life that I can be truly proud of? Truth is, there is none. I have wasted much of my life and now, it seems I don't have a lot of time left to do something good and meaningful.
Please God... help me... tell me what to do.
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