Credits: Brooke Shaden Photography

Surgery.

One word that is scary for some, and not so scary for others. For me it's the former.

You ask why. It's because as a nurse, I've seen so many surgeries and they aren't a pleasant sight to see. I've heard so many whispered stories about complications in the O.R... Stories of people never waking up from the operating table... stories of people who do wake up in the operating table when they're supposed to slumber their way through it... people who bleed to death... and worse, perfectly healthy people suffering a stroke during surgery due to a stray clot that somehow decided to stick around in a cerebral artery, cutting off blood supply to the brain - a random twist of fate. Any takers?

I am scheduled to undergo surgery on January 10, 2018. The surgical procedure for me is called Splenectomy. It is when a team of brilliant and most experienced surgeons will cut me open and remove my dearly beloved spleen and whatever trace of cancer they can find.

I am so not ready to say goodbye to my poor spleen. If you've read my previous posts, you would know that I really do not want to be "spleenless" which will put me at high risk for developing infections (I'm a nurse, and my hospital job exposes me to various types of infection on a daily basis). 

But my doctors are saying that surgery is the first step in treating sarcomas. Chemotherapy and/or radiation will follow. 

Since Christmas, I've been going back and forth to the hospital to receive my shots in preparation for the upcoming surgery. I have to complete my flu shots, my hepatitis shots, pneumococcal and meningococcal shots before they take out my spleen. And FYI, these vaccines are super painful!  Omg they're even more painful than the splenic biopsy and bone marrow biopsy that I went through last month! OOOF!

Once I have completed all my shots, I will be "ready" for the "slaughter". As I have mentioned in one of my previous posts, the spleen is part of the immune system and plays a vital role in the human body's first line of defense against infections and diseases. (You can read about my post here: Learning About My Illness ). So once my spleen is removed, I will be at higher risk for developing life-threatening infections, this is why I have to complete the vaccines before spleen removal.

However, I am having second thoughts.

Now that the fateful day of surgery is drawing near, I am terrified out of my wits! I feel like backing out of the whole thing. Aside from the horror stories I've heard about the O.R. , I've also learned that surgery promotes cancer spread. A few days ago I came across the website, The Truth About Cancer, and read about surgery and it's consequences for cancer patients. For instance, I've read that surgery promotes metastasis (cancer spread) by causing cancer cells to break off from the original tumor and being carried off into the blood stream. Surgery also suppresses the immune system which is very important in fighting cancer. After reading these things, it's like a blindfold that's been keeping me blind has finally fallen off. I spent all day yesterday reading and researching about cancer. Now that I am more open-minded and receptive to information,  an endless stream of info has been flooding through me. It's like the gates of knowledge have opened up for me. 

Now I am having doubts about going through with surgery. Especially after my disturbing conversation with my doctor today. Today after receiving my pneumococcal shot, I asked my hematologist about the chances of cancer spread as a consequence of surgery. Reluctantly she admitted that there is in fact a big chance of spreading the cancer if we do the splenectomy. Goodness gracious! It's like being told they're gonna treat me but the treatment will make me worse. Good grief!

I feel there has to be another way, a much safer way to fight cancer.

Is there another way? 

There are in fact, a lot of alternative ways, as I have learned through my research. But at the moment, I'm skeptical and unconvinced about these alternative treatments. As a nurse, I am part of the medical community that is wholly committed to saving lives. I have faith in medicine and the science behind it. I trust my doctors and I believe that they are looking out for me and they are putting my health, my well-being, and my life first above anything else.

Ugghh! I thought I was done with doubting. Now I feel like I'm right back to day one, when it all started. I cope better when a decision has been made. But when doubts and indecision are pulling me in opposite directions, I fall apart.

Dear God, please help me make the right decision.