Drop Dead Pink

Today I finally said "NO" to surgery and chemotherapy.

Today was supposed to be the day of my surgery. For the past few weeks, I've been getting prepped up for my operation, which is a procedure called Splenectomy, where the surgeons will remove my spleen. I've been getting all my needed vaccinations, and my hematologist has made arrangements with the hospital's blood bank to make sure there's a lot of blood available for me during my surgery. Everything has been organized to make sure everything would go as smoothly and as perfectly as possible. Everything's ready.

But yesterday, I had this moment of clarity. It came to me so suddenly and so clearly. For the first time, I felt with such compelling conviction that if I did the surgery, it would be the start of my decline. I felt it and I knew it. Surgery will trigger my decline, and the chemotherapy that will soon follow is going to kill me. There has to be another way.

So today, with as much courage I could muster, I went to the hospital supposedly to get checked in for surgery, but instead, I talked to my doctor and told her I am canceling everything. I've never been so fearful in my life as in that moment. I was afraid that she would disapprove and scold me. But mostly I was afraid she would try to persuade me to go through with it and that I wouldn't be strong enough to resist. Surprisingly, she wasn't angry. However she did try to convince me that I was making a mistake. But I stood firm in my decision and told her to give me some time. Time was all I asked. Time to search and try a different method of treatment. And if all else failed, I will let the doctors do whatever they wanted with me. She understood. She said she didn't approve, but that it was ultimately the patient's choice that will prevail.

After that meeting, I went home feeling lighthearted. I could feel all my anxiety melt away. It's as if a big boulder that's been dumped on my shoulders has fallen off and I was free. Now I won't have to worry about surgery and bleeding to death anymore. I won't have to worry about the pain and the recovery process. Am I making the right decision? I think so! I've never felt this good in a long time. In my heart I just feel that the conventional path of treatment is wrong for me. This isn't to say that other people are wrong for choosing conventional methods. I have so much respect for people who bravely face the terrible ordeal associated with conventional cancer treatments. But I have never been a brave person. I am so scared of surgery, and doubly scared of chemotherapy. I want to try something different first. That's all I am asking for. To be able to try.

So what now? Where do I go from here?

I've been doing extensive research on alternative cancer therapies, and I was so amazed by the numerous treatments out there. But how to know which of them truly work? Decisions, decisions. How to make the right decision when your life is hanging in the balance? It was a relief to be able to put off conventional medicine in favor of the alternative, but now I am faced with an even bigger dilema.

Dear God, I trust you to lead me and guide me to making the right decision. Tell me what I must do. Show me the way. Only you can get me through this.

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Happy Birthday To Me

Blog Wednesday, January 03, 2018

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Reflections Of A Troubled Mind

Blog Saturday, December 30, 2017

Credits: Brooke Shaden Photography

Surgery.

One word that is scary for some, and not so scary for others. For me it's the former.

You ask why. It's because as a nurse, I've seen so many surgeries and they aren't a pleasant sight to see. I've heard so many whispered stories about complications in the O.R... Stories of people never waking up from the operating table... stories of people who do wake up in the operating table when they're supposed to slumber their way through it... people who bleed to death... and worse, perfectly healthy people suffering a stroke during surgery due to a stray clot that somehow decided to stick around in a cerebral artery, cutting off blood supply to the brain - a random twist of fate. Any takers?

I am scheduled to undergo surgery on January 10, 2018. The surgical procedure for me is called Splenectomy. It is when a team of brilliant and most experienced surgeons will cut me open and remove my dearly beloved spleen and whatever trace of cancer they can find.

I am so not ready to say goodbye to my poor spleen. If you've read my previous posts, you would know that I really do not want to be "spleenless" which will put me at high risk for developing infections (I'm a nurse, and my hospital job exposes me to various types of infection on a daily basis).

But my doctors are saying that surgery is the first step in treating sarcomas. Chemotherapy and/or radiation will follow.

Since Christmas, I've been going back and forth to the hospital to receive my shots in preparation for the upcoming surgery. I have to complete my flu shots, my hepatitis shots, pneumococcal and meningococcal shots before they take out my spleen. And FYI, these vaccines are super painful! Omg they're even more painful than the splenic biopsy and bone marrow biopsy that I went through last month! OOOF!

Once I have completed all my shots, I will be "ready" for the "slaughter". As I have mentioned in one of my previous posts, the spleen is part of the immune system and plays a vital role in the human body's first line of defense against infections and diseases. (You can read about my post here: Learning About My Illness ). So once my spleen is removed, I will be at higher risk for developing life-threatening infections, this is why I have to complete the vaccines before spleen removal.

However, I am having second thoughts.

Now that the fateful day of surgery is drawing near, I am terrified out of my wits! I feel like backing out of the whole thing. Aside from the horror stories I've heard about the O.R. , I've also learned that surgery promotes cancer spread. A few days ago I came across the website, The Truth About Cancer, and read about surgery and it's consequences for cancer patients. For instance, I've read that surgery promotes metastasis (cancer spread) by causing cancer cells to break off from the original tumor and being carried off into the blood stream. Surgery also suppresses the immune system which is very important in fighting cancer. After reading these things, it's like a blindfold that's been keeping me blind has finally fallen off. I spent all day yesterday reading and researching about cancer. Now that I am more open-minded and receptive to information, an endless stream of info has been flooding through me. It's like the gates of knowledge have opened up for me.

Now I am having doubts about going through with surgery. Especially after my disturbing conversation with my doctor today. Today after receiving my pneumococcal shot, I asked my hematologist about the chances of cancer spread as a consequence of surgery. Reluctantly she admitted that there is in fact a big chance of spreading the cancer if we do the splenectomy. Goodness gracious! It's like being told they're gonna treat me but the treatment will make me worse. Good grief!

I feel there has to be another way, a much safer way to fight cancer.

Is there another way?

There are in fact, a lot of alternative ways, as I have learned through my research. But at the moment, I'm skeptical and unconvinced about these alternative treatments. As a nurse, I am part of the medical community that is wholly committed to saving lives. I have faith in medicine and the science behind it. I trust my doctors and I believe that they are looking out for me and they are putting my health, my well-being, and my life first above anything else.

Ugghh! I thought I was done with doubting. Now I feel like I'm right back to day one, when it all started. I cope better when a decision has been made. But when doubts and indecision are pulling me in opposite directions, I fall apart.

Dear God, please help me make the right decision.

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Upcoming Surgery And My Thoughts About It

Blog Friday, December 22, 2017

Today has been a very emotional day. I feel like a little child - helpless, powerless, fearful and vulnerable in a world that's unsafe and uncertain. Today I've been told that surgery is imminent. I cannot dodge it. It is the only path for me if I am to survive. My bone marrow biopsy came out negative, which is awesome news. And my CT scan result says there is no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body, except in my spleen. Another great news. However, everything is clearly paving its way for surgery, and that is the one thing I am most fearful about.

Today my hematologist finally referred me to an Oncologist and a Surgeon that will co-manage my case. The three of them are gonna be my team of doctors who will manage and treat my illness.

My oncologist is female, she looks like in her late-fifties and she looks exactly what an expert and competent doctor should look like. The moment I saw her, I felt this air of authority about her, and the moment I heard her speak, I knew she was very good in her field. She was very formal and serious as she explained to me the process of my disease and how it's gonna be managed, but strangely enough I felt comforted by it, because it was a sign to me that she knew exactly what she was talking about. She told me that surgery is the major step in treating my illness. Sarcomas do not respond very well to chemotherapy and radiation, and removing the mass in my spleen would be the best intervention. Afterwards, adjuvant chemotherapy can be administered as supportive intervention to surgery.

While she was explaining this, I just nodded quietly to everything she was saying. I was struggling deep inside of me. I was hoping I could dodge surgery in favor of other options. Losing my spleen would mean I would be at higher risk for developing infections. How would I be able to work as a nurse now? If working in a hospital poses a threat by exposing me to different diseases, I can never be a nurse again. These were the thoughts running through my head, but I kept them to myself.

After my meeting with the oncologist, I went to meet my surgeon next. The surgeon is male, and for some reason I expected a young surgeon, but he was a lot older, probably in his late fifties or early sixties. I was suddenly filled with anxiety, immediately doubting his capabilities. But when he started talking, I felt my fear gradually subside. I could tell he was brilliant, he answered all my questions direct to the point, no sugar-coating, no false assurances. He said that a lot of the decisions will be made in the operating room, when he opens me up and sees how severe the cancer really is. He told me he will do his very best to remove the spleen , but if it's impossible to remove, like for instance, if it has latched on to nearby organs, or if there is any chance that I might bleed to death, he will not remove it. He will not risk it. He was very honest, and that's when I knew I could trust him.

After the meetings, I walked out of the hospital in a daze. I was very upset but I was able to maintain composure at the same time. I didn't want to cry anymore, crying is physically draining for me. It triggers my migraine and severely depletes my energy. I'd be exhausted and practically bedridden after a crying meltdown.

To make things worse, all sea trips have been canceled by the coastguard because a storm has just made its landfall. Meaning, I couldn't go home. And I'm so anxious to get back home. Right now I am in a hotel room, writing this blog post. It's very cold and its raining constantly. Christmas Day is three days away, and I should be home right now, safe and warm with my family near me. I can't believe I'm stuck here. I just wanna go home.

Surgery. Why do I fear it? Aside from living without a spleen and being unable to go back to my nursing job, I am afraid of being put to sleep... for the last time. I'm scared of not waking up from the surgery. I'm scared of bleeding to death. I'm scared of never seeing my family again. I'm scared of dying. I am not ready. :(

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